A Story of Hope: Part 2
Welcome back, friends! I'm so glad you're back for part 2, if you haven't read part 1 of this series, check that out here. Let's dive right in. I experienced my second panic attack the weekend before Colton started school last September (2017). We wanted to have one last "fun" weekend before homework took over his life so we decided to take a long bike ride around the Banks-Vernonia State Trail to check out the old mill and then spend the rest of the day in Astoria, Oregon. The day was beautiful and we were having so much fun, I didn't think anything could go wrong. We even took our Christmas card photos at the beach.
We had just finished walking along the beach and were heading into town to grab some dinner. As I'm sitting in the passenger seat, my hands started feeling a little bit weird; a tingly and numb sensation. I chalked it up to them just being cold, but fearful thoughts started flooding my mind and I couldn't get them to stop. I've dealt with weird physical sensations in the past so I, metaphorically speaking, reached into my toolbox, and pulled out the strategies that I thought would help me in this situation. I turned on some Christian music and started doing my breathing exercises, but my anxiety only intensified. When Colton parked the car I felt like I was falling apart. My hands were very tingly/numb and I needed Colton's help to get out of the car as I struggled to stand up without his support. I remember standing on the sidewalk, asking him to pray for me, while shaking my arms vigorously to make the numbness go away ('m sure it was quite the sight to see ;) ). Unfortunately, I was letting fear completely take over my life in that moment and even had thoughts of having to go to the hospital. These feelings are still a little bit raw and I'm brought to tears as I relive this scary experience.
I couldn't rest or cope with my reality until I was able to determine the reason behind the symptoms. Only after talking with a family friend, who is also a nurse, did I start to calm down. I am the type of person that likes knowing the reasoning behind why things happen. Why did I have a panic attack on such a fun day? Why do my symptoms manifest themselves the ways they do? I need to know why things are happening and on that day in Astoria, I couldn't completely figure it out. Since then, the Lord has taught me that it is okay to not know why everything happens. I believe this is all part of God instructing me to let go of control and trust that he has my best interest in mind. The why doesn't matter because God is directing my path! My symptoms did subside, but for the majority of the night, fear was still lurking in my mind.
If you know me at all, you know that the only thing I want to do in my lifetime is have babies and become a mama. Colton is getting closer to finishing school which means we are getting closer to starting our family. I knew I would eventually have to find a medication that was safe (is anything really safe during pregnancy?) or go off of it for a while, ideally indefinitely. Again, my life is like an experiment and I wanted to know how I would cope without taking medicine well in advance of having a baby. I wanted to prepare myself physically and mentally and "work out all the kinks" before we bring another human into this world. I really didn't want to be on medication any longer. I was believing that God would either heal me completely or give me the tools to cope with this naturally.
I think it is important to mention that while preparing for this with my therapist, we talked through different scenarios, with the most ideal option being able to function normally without medication and not need it again and the least ideal option being continuing to take medication and finding a safe(ish) option during pregnancy or deal with the symptoms for those 9 months. I needed to remember that whatever option I take is okay. I am not a failure for having to go back on the medicine if that is what is best for me and my future baby.
When January 2018 rolled around, I was ready to begin the tapering process my doctor prescribed to me. Some days were hard and I wanted to give up and keep taking the pills, but when I had a good day, I was filled with so much hope for what my life could look like without anxiety. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I do have more good days than bad ones. Praise Jesus! My previous physical symptoms came back, on and off, but overall I had fewer mood swings and less irritability than I did before being diagnosed. I was feeling pretty good! I have also definitely noticed myself becoming more emotional and sensitive over silly things like actually crying during movies or during happy/sad parts of the books I read, but I think I would rather feel these emotions than have them be hindered. The most significant symptom I noticed returning was my fearful mindset. I can handle the emotions and the physical sensations, but the thoughts surrounding those symptoms are where my battle lies.
The Lord is so timely with everything he has for us. One morning before work, I was laying on the ground praying, when the Lord told me that I needed to read Havilah Cunnington's book Stronger than the Struggle for the book club my friend and I were starting. This book and the truth's about God that Havilah shares couldn't have come at a better time. It is amazing that God knows exactly what we need in the different seasons of our life. These past few months, I have held tight to the knowledge that God has such beautiful intentions for my life. He wants to set me free from my anxiety so I can live my best life in Him!
The evenings are usually the hardest for me. I'm not distracted with my job, I've done all my to-dos and with Colton in school, he usually isn't home until late. My mind has ample free time to roam into the dark places of fear. There have been many nights that consisted of tears and crying out to God; begging Him to help me through these fearful thoughts and to remind me of His love and goodness for me. With all of this, the Lord has (very timely) placed me in a season of learning to be vulnerable with others and opening up to my church community. With His guidance and support, I've been able to talk about some of my struggles with my amazing book club and those in our young marrieds' group. He has even given me the courage to share this for all of you to read and hopefully feel encouraged by. There is so much strength in community and if you don't have any support, I highly encourage you to find somebody you can share your struggles with.
April has been the month that things finally started looking up. My symptoms are not happening as frequently and if they do, I know just how to shut them down or get through the spell. Staying involved with my church family, making time each morning to read a devotional book and study my Bible, listing to Christian worship music, and praying have really helped me to control my fearful thoughts and remember that my fear is NOT coming from the Lord. It's comical now, but I've had to forcefully shut the devil down by telling him "not today Satan" on multiple occasions. I even bought myself a t-shirt that says just that - "Not Today Satan" - as a physical reminder that today (and every day for that matter), Satan will not win. I hold tight to the truth that even though the war wages on, the battle was won the day Jesus died on the cross. Isaiah 54:17, so beautifully reminds us that nothing formed against us will succeed and every word that is spoken against us, we shall condemn. As believers in Christ, this is our inheritance; to be able to prosper and shut down the Devil.
“As a Christian, you are anointed to deal with the Devil and win every time.”
I think I will always have anxiety and that is okay. The lessons I have learned throughout this journey are invaluable to me and my relationship with God wouldn't be where it is at today if I was not dealing with anxiety. James 1:2-3 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." While a part of me is still working on counting my anxiety as joy, I am grateful that our God is one who wants a personal relationship with us; He wants to hear about our struggles, guide us through them, and ultimately bless us abundantly. 2 Corinthians 9:8
With that, I am so thankful for each and every person who took the time to read about my story of hope. Come back next week as I wrap up this mini-series by sharing all the tools that are in my "Anxiety Toolbox!" Lastly, I'd like to close today's post with a prayer for anybody who is dealing with anxiety.
Gracious Father,
I lift up those reading this who know the struggle of anxiety. I pray that you would surround them with your unfailing love and give them your perfect peace. You tell us to come to you if we are weary and you will provide us with rest. Lord God, please give everybody reading this the rest that they need to get through this challenging season. You know exactly what we need and when we need it. Thank you for being a God that offers unconditional love, peace, and rest to your children.
